I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
You lit the bowl with a rolled up paper towel that you ignited on the stove.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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