Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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