I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
did i just pee glitter
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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