You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
