she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I fill condoms, not promises.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Randomize
