then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
