i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
Randomize
