Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
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