someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
I just gargled with NyQuil
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
