hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
His penis is the only thing worth pursuing but all the baggage attached isn't.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
