I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
