as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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