anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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