my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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