I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
my penis made a compromise with my morals
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
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