dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
