Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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