dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Report just came out that Tim Tebow is a virgin but I have proof he is not. He's bent Florida State over the last four years in a row.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
