don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Randomize
