You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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