Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
