He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
Randomize
