A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Did you not learn anything for "HERPES SCARE 2010".........
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
