not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
