Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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