Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
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