youre lurking in front of me
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
