His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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