I'm gonna have a badass scar
I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
