Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
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