I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
