I'm gonna have a badass scar
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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