Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
I have the slightest memory of swinging a bag full of condoms over my head...
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
Randomize
