Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
