Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
I need some buff guys to cuddle me and call me precious
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
