I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
All I remember is dance battling with a man named tom the entire time who kept buying me drinks so id say it was a success
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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