her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
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