I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Randomize
