Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
