didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Randomize
