it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
