Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize