She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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