booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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