Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Cleaning my pipe and using the left over resin solution to make THC laced rolling papers and a jar of hash oil/honey for my tea
WE USE THE WHOLE BUFFALO
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
