even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
Randomize
