she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
