Yeh xou jao i ama wa7tdud !!
Oh my god. its not even twelve thirty and you are useless.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
