He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize