Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
The air was thick with penises
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
