I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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