There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Randomize
