nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
