we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Randomize
