3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I think I won the penis lottery.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
