I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
How does one acquire holy water?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
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