I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
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