Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just want you to know that i deffinately saw the baby clothes, and didn't freak out and still had sex with him. I'm going to hell.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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