Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
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