All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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