Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize