So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
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