Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
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