Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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