It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
