I feel like abortions should bother me more
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Randomize
