Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
Randomize
