Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize