I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
