Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
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