I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
I'm such a slut...i kept having sex with him after he called me his ex gf's name. I just felt like i deserved something out of it too.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
