Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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